How many of us have them?
So a couple days ago, I saw an article being retweeted from The Atlantic. The topic of the article was about the way the author believes friendships should be as important if not more important than romantic relationships. Throughout the article the author referenced a couple of friendships and how their importance was misunderstood in the respective romantic relationships of the friends. The author makes the point that the American culture would be different and maybe more understanding and socialable if our focus was on fostering and maintaining deep friendships instead of marriages. There were some who thought that to be a viable point and one which supports their desired lifestyle and others were in disagreement. Personally, I fall on the side of wanting to have my romantic relationship centered in my life but that is because of the life I want to lead and that is where I believe there is a difference and disagree with the article. The type of -ship one chooses to live their life around and maintaining depends on the life they want to live. One does not produce a better outcome over the other. People just need the freedom to be able to choose whichever works best for their lifestyle and desired future.
In a friendship centric lifestyle as described in the article friends occupy the spaces in one another's lives which are usually occupied by a significant other. They may have property together, help parent each other's children, be beneficiaries, etc. This is not uncommon in many households where there was a previous romantic relationship that is being replaced by the friendship. Since those things which typically are thought to ruin romantic relationships (money, sex, emotional lack) are not in the equation the friendships work and last longer without any problems. In the article, one of the friends said she tells her boyfriend that her friend will be there longer than he will and that he will never be her number one priority in life. I think this is a bit unfair and also selfish. In this case I would think that the friend would want to maintain his/her friendships and just keep an open and casual sex life because they are unavailable for further levels of intimacy outside of physical pleasure. In my opinion saying this up front limits the romantic relationship which might have been compatible with her friendship. Healthy dating requires honesty and planning ahead, and if one tells someone that there is an end in sight then that kind of ends things before they get started. I understand she had previous issues in a past relationship but that does not mean her future relationships will be the same. In these friendships I do not know if children are/will be part of the plan but that takes/will take brutal honesty and a high level of maturity to work out the co-parenting when or if the other parent will have a limited role in raising their child. This is my understanding and guess at how this process works for people or will work for people who are in or aspire to be in such friendships.
Now choosing to be in a romantic relationship as traditionally conveyed in American society is not the right or only way to approach life. I do prefer this method because I want a certain life and that included my family unit being in the center of my life and priorities. This family/relationship model is clearly a product of patriarchy, but relationships have evolved. My relationship does not revolve around my husband, instead our relationship revolves around our family and its success. Our children being well taken care of, emotionally, financially, and physically. Intimately, my husband and I are equals and no one person is expected to please the other and ignore the desires of the other. We have physically traditional appearances but we each do whatever is needed in the home. There are only a couple things which are gender specific but those are just preference. I don't want to touch trash so my husband does that exclusively. Also I don't want my husband doing my hair so I do it when I can't go to the salon. Besides those everything else is done by whomever first gets to the task. In our home we are also both free to have friendships but those are not more important than our family life. This does not bother me or my husband, it is what we want. Again the bottom line being we discussed these things while we were dating and our shared interests got us to where we are today.
Either way one chooses to live their life is that person's choice and everyone can choose for themselves. The point is that relationships have evolved and so has the language surrounding those relationships. People feel free enough to say, "No, you will never be the center of my attention" to set up a realistic expectation and it is up to that person to choose to stay or leave. Love does belong in community and should include a community, whatever the extent is up to you.
Read the article in The Atlantic here:
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