Awareness can be a trigger

This month is best known as the month for Breast Cancer Awareness thanks to the Susan G Komen foundation and their great success with branding October as the month all about the ta-tas. One lesser known issue that has October as its awareness month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss and October 15th is the actual day of remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant loss. Unfortunately my husband and I learned this fact almost ten years ago when our daughter was born still. The loss of a young child is an inexplicable pain and those who know it do not try to explain it because it cannot be explained. This topic is in the news at this time because Chrissy Teigen and John Legend just lost their most recent child. During this month there may be families in your circle who will be dealing with their own loss so make sure to be mindful when you speak on such personal and triggering topics. Remember that sometimes innocent, well-intentioned actions can be a trigger. In these cases do not be dismayed, the thought is appreciated and keep in mind it is hard to control and stifle emotions surrounding such an intimate topic. If you can, take a moment before sharing and speaking on some things around others if you are not sure if the topic is a trigger.

Many times celebrities share what goes on in their lives with their fans. There are some who only share the good, others who share everything, and then there are those who share genuinely and attempt to be educational and transparent in their sharing. I put John Legend and Chrissy Teigen in the last category when it comes to their pregnancy journeys. They have been open about their struggles, successes, plans, and surprises as their family grows. When they announced they were pregnant with their first child they were open about using in-vitro fertilization and that they had a daughter and a son embryo. She expressed her desire to let people know the truth about their situation because it is thought to be such a taboo topic. Of course none of this is anyone's business but theirs but it was encouraging, as a woman struggling with fertility, to know that not everyone has an easy pregnancy. Unfortunately, each time a celebrity comes out to discuss their infertility issues, birthing complications, or other personal topics, it is a big deal for a little while then it goes away. Despite the minimal attention, these occurrences support the data that shows the United States being far behind other industrialized countries in maternal and infant mortality rates, especially considering Black women and other marginalized women. The last couple of days people on social media have shared Chrissy and John's stories/tweets and some people have had some new conversations because of this.

October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month is meant to inform people that it happens. It is true some people endure pregnancy and suffer a loss at the end. It is not always a happy ending for a person's pregnancy and this is natural and not to be seen as something as the fault of the family. There are many factors which can contribute to a loss. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing that can be done to stop it from happening, these are sometimes considered natural losses. Doctors are on record for saying miscarriages happen more frequently than people know and losses in general occur in 1 out of 4 pregnancies. In the event this happens, there are tests which can be done to try to find an answer to the question of why your child passed. Even these tests do not provide answers in all cases. My spouse and I only received answers once and it ended up being a problem with science(hormone levels and overall health), a case of triploidy. Other times having poor quality doctors can be a factor. Sometimes people need more monitoring because every patient is different and something that is normal in one pregnancy can become a complication in another. Also overall bias and lack of understanding are ways the wrong doctor can be a negative factor in a pregnancy. It is well documented that Black women and other minorities are ignored when they express concerns about pain and complications with doctors. Many times my husband and I wonder if I were under the care of a different OB/GYN would our first pregnancy ended differently; successfully. When I hear anything about a pregnancy, I remember pregnancy as a whole is a trigger for me, but I don't allow it to stop me from being happy for others. I am happy for a split second, then worry overtakes because I think about all of the possibilities, then I say a little prayer of protection for them.

As a potential or current expectant parent there are things you can do to observe this month's topic of awareness and increase your chances for healthy circumstances. Always make sure to have an advocate, even if you have to advocate for yourself. Many times people's concerns go unheard and dismissed but be repetitive, bring someone who has a "larger voice" to your appointments, and don't worry about "being a bug/bother" because your concerns are valid. If none of this makes it feel like you and your doctor(s) are on the same page, find a new doctor. There are people who use doulas and midwives because of the medical environment, so if this works for you, do it. Also remember everyone in the office can have an impact on the success of your pregnancy, so a good doctor but terrible staff is not a good combination either. If/when you are a first time expectant parent, remember you don't know what you don't know, so ask for examples to help you understand what is normal so you have a proper understanding of what to expect. That way when asked about kick counts, activity, and concerns, you can be confident in your response and it won't be a response based on an assumption which can be costly. Above everything be good to yourself and your unborn child during your pregnancy. Pregnancy is a stress on one's body no matter what way one looks at the situation. There are some things that will have to change and that is fine, DO NOT add additional stress to a naturally stressful situation. Take a little longer to walk up the stairs or complete a task. Especially if that avoids additional stress. DO NOT put yourself on bed rest and stop your usual rate of activity because activity and exercise helps relieve some of the stress pregnancy puts on the body. Of course nothing is 100 percent and nothing can stop what will happen, but as in every other situation starting out at a better position can be better for the long run. That being said we may all know someone who may have done all of these things and still suffered a loss.

There are foundations and support groups all around to help families who have experienced losses. If you want to support a family's rebuild and healthy grieving process, you can make a donation to any such foundation. One such foundation is the MISS foundation. There are support groups which are in hospitals and churches as well. So while this tragedy has happened to a celebrity couple with unlimited resources, remember there are families all around who do not have the support of millions of fans who could use some help in their time of need. Prayers to any family who has suffered a loss and those who are enduring high-risk pregnancies. Join in a day of remembrance by lighting a candle or letting go of a lantern on October 15th if the reason fits.